1
00:00:00,820 --> 00:00:03,039
My head's forgotten bits of me.
2
00:00:03,201 --> 00:00:06,460
Every day, I was there.
You should have fucking helped me.
3
00:00:06,580 --> 00:00:07,719
All right!
4
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,239
- My new friends, Rory and Lachlan.
- All right, wee man!
5
00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:12,612
Rory's going to let me
blow his chanter later.
6
00:00:12,732 --> 00:00:14,460
You just need to learn
tae finger it.
7
00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:21,020
Tony, hi! They said you were like
a total mong and I would have been
8
00:00:21,140 --> 00:00:23,860
so pissed if you were a vegetable
and had to be switched off, yah?
9
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,900
Sorry. Can't place you.
10
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,239
Come on, Tone.
11
00:00:28,401 --> 00:00:31,460
When it happened, before the bus,
he was on the phone and he said
12
00:00:31,580 --> 00:00:33,780
something I don't think he remembers.
13
00:00:34,540 --> 00:00:35,580
Jesus!
14
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:37,700
I will remember everything.
15
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,340
Tone...
16
00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:44,620
Who's there?
17
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:33,660
Lucy? Can you hear me?
18
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,300
Lucy!
19
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:05,820
You wearing perfume, love?
20
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,740
It's the new air freshener thing.
21
00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:09,799
I bought it for the bathroom.
22
00:03:09,961 --> 00:03:11,367
Thought Maxxie got you perfume?
23
00:03:11,487 --> 00:03:13,918
Thought, here's posh,
boyfriend who buys you perfume.
24
00:03:14,038 --> 00:03:15,580
He'd buy me perfume if I asked.
25
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:16,700
Oh, I know.
26
00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:18,418
Do anything, wouldn't he?
27
00:03:18,538 --> 00:03:21,780
Long as you don't introduce him to
the scary disabled mother, that is.
28
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,870
I will introduce him to you.
29
00:03:23,990 --> 00:03:26,220
When the cock crows thrice, I know.
30
00:03:27,780 --> 00:03:28,740
Done?
31
00:03:32,721 --> 00:03:36,660
Always leave the waters a tip,
that's what your gran used to say.
32
00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:45,180
'Did you hear that?
33
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:48,420
The building's coming down,
there's nothing we can do.
34
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,220
If I'm to die,
35
00:03:50,340 --> 00:03:53,559
I'd rather it be with you
than anyone else in the world.
36
00:03:53,721 --> 00:03:58,300
Darling, oh, darling, how long
I've waited to hear those words.
37
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:05,520
38
00:04:07,177 --> 00:04:12,083
were margins and accounts
39
00:04:13,749 --> 00:04:18,363
on the phone each morning
40
00:04:19,919 --> 00:04:24,770
love would sprout
41
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,420
Osama blew us away
42
00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:35,140
43
00:04:35,260 --> 00:04:39,860
44
00:04:48,481 --> 00:04:52,940
Osama blew us away
45
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:57,540
46
00:04:57,660 --> 00:05:01,940
Osama blew us away
47
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:06,580
48
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,260
49
00:05:08,380 --> 00:05:10,980
No, no, no, no, NO!
50
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:13,800
No.
51
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,740
Do you know what this is?
52
00:05:22,860 --> 00:05:24,700
This is my script
53
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,220
and I'm burning it.
54
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:28,460
And do you know why? Becau...
55
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:31,260
Oh, does someone wanna
give me a hand here, please?
56
00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:34,740
Quickly, quickly, thank you.
Because... You know I've burnt my...
57
00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:37,660
Thing... Because you made it shit!
58
00:05:37,780 --> 00:05:39,220
SHIT!
59
00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:45,460
Do you know what we're doing here?
60
00:05:45,580 --> 00:05:47,100
Do you?
61
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,140
Max...
62
00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:51,700
This is an opportunity,
63
00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:55,020
a real opportunity,
to tell the tragedy of my people.
64
00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:56,140
You're American?
65
00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:59,700
Yes, I am.
Metaphorically.
66
00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:04,660
Look, in two hours time
this woman will be dead. Dead!
67
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:06,800
And you know why?
68
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,980
Because Osama in pyjamas is making
his way up the stairs
69
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,540
to take us unawares.
70
00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:13,919
Oh, get off me, Bruce.
71
00:06:14,081 --> 00:06:17,700
Outside the world is crumbling,
72
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:21,260
the towers are coming down.
73
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:24,980
But soon... she'll forget.
74
00:06:26,660 --> 00:06:30,220
When two lips...
Oh, sod it, time for show and tell.
75
00:06:39,281 --> 00:06:41,319
To paraphrase, Mr Punch, son,
76
00:06:41,481 --> 00:06:42,860
"That's the way to do it".
77
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:44,620
Now, from Michelle's verse!
78
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:46,300
Come on! Wooh!
79
00:06:52,820 --> 00:06:57,500
80
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,900
81
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:09,980
one day you'd say, "Hey, girl"
82
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:15,860
fine, it's plain to see"
83
00:07:17,681 --> 00:07:21,980
Osama blew us away
84
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:26,140
85
00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:31,260
86
00:07:34,281 --> 00:07:38,620
Osama blew us away
87
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:43,500
88
00:07:49,820 --> 00:07:51,300
What the fuck?!
89
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:58,140
It just slipped. Sorry.
90
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:15,580
Not funny, OK? This is like
the 15th present this week.
91
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,540
It's getting quite spooky, innit?
How's he getting in your locker?
92
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,460
I wish he'd just tell me who he is.
93
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:21,700
What is it?
94
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,660
An Oscar?
95
00:08:23,780 --> 00:08:24,980
Full of chocolate.
96
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:29,020
Every actor's dream though, innit?
97
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,660
What are you talking about, mate?
98
00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:33,620
Stalker - the ultimate accessory.
99
00:08:33,740 --> 00:08:35,860
Not everyone's as desperate
for sex as you, Anwar.
100
00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:37,020
Sid!
101
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:40,740
No, he's right. See theses hands,
fucking friction burns, man!
102
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:44,420
My sisters are getting suspicious
about their disappearing hand cream.
103
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,260
I'm gonna get you laid tonight.
104
00:08:46,380 --> 00:08:50,180
I'll bring some spare hand cream,
you just bring your smile!
105
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,319
Fucking leave me alone, will you.
106
00:09:28,481 --> 00:09:31,660
No seriously, Sid, what have you
come as? A cardboard Big Dickus?
107
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:34,359
Gladiator to the stars.
108
00:09:34,521 --> 00:09:36,180
Fuck off!
109
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:40,140
So, stalky-stalky-stalk-stalk.
Do you think he's coming tonight?
110
00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:42,300
Shit! It could be any
one of these people.
111
00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:43,340
Don't!
112
00:09:43,460 --> 00:09:46,700
If he was clever he'd come as a
sort of film where the stalker wins.
113
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,839
You know,
Hugh Grant in Four Weddings.
114
00:09:49,001 --> 00:09:51,119
What?
How is Four Weddings about stalking?
115
00:09:51,281 --> 00:09:52,980
Four weddings? One funeral?
116
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,020
And Hugh just happens
to be at all five.
117
00:09:55,140 --> 00:09:57,754
You'd think Andie MacDowell
was cleverer than that.
118
00:09:57,874 --> 00:10:00,456
Oh. My. God.
119
00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:05,039
Go on, guess. Guess.
120
00:10:05,201 --> 00:10:07,020
Eh, give up?
121
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,100
Daisy Werthan.
122
00:10:11,041 --> 00:10:12,940
I don't know who she is either.
123
00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:16,100
Driving Miss Daisy!
Best Picture Oscar, 1990.
124
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,860
And this is my man, who is...
125
00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:19,999
Morgan Freeman.
126
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:23,020
No! How many times
have I got to tell you?
127
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,079
OK, you're Hoke. Yeah?
Actor, Freeman, part, Hoke.
128
00:10:27,241 --> 00:10:29,839
You don't know the first thing
about films do you, Kenneth?
129
00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,574
How many films
have you seen, Chris?
130
00:10:31,694 --> 00:10:33,039
- Counting porn?
- Well, no.
131
00:10:33,201 --> 00:10:34,020
One.
132
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:36,260
Driving Miss Daisy. It's a classic.
133
00:10:36,380 --> 00:10:39,220
Interestingly, they did make
a porn version of the film -
134
00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:42,060
it was called Fisting Miss Daisy.
It's a really good film.
135
00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:43,780
Really stood up to the original.
136
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,220
Phenomenal.
137
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,180
Here comes my leading lady.
138
00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:03,820
Hoo, what an entrance!
139
00:11:14,201 --> 00:11:16,060
What? Oh!
140
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:18,639
Princess Leia, right? Jinx!
141
00:11:18,801 --> 00:11:20,999
And you look, so
142
00:11:21,161 --> 00:11:22,599
home made.
143
00:11:22,761 --> 00:11:25,940
Doesn't she, Tony?
Gloriously quaint.
144
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,340
Hi, Michelle.
145
00:11:27,460 --> 00:11:30,959
You dressed as Luke? For her?
146
00:11:31,121 --> 00:11:34,740
Well, I guess I...
147
00:11:36,421 --> 00:11:37,540
Did I?
148
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:39,580
Tony!
149
00:11:41,441 --> 00:11:44,580
You think either of them's
actually seen Star Wars?
150
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:46,540
You reckon they know
Luke's her brother?
151
00:11:55,460 --> 00:11:59,900
I stood here solid and
no-one could rock me.
152
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:03,740
But now comes a mullah
who'll awe and shock me...
153
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:06,159
Yep, that works. That really works.
That's lovely.
154
00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:07,820
Mr Gelpart.
155
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:12,180
Well, I never, the light dropper.
156
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:16,380
Thank you, sincerely.
157
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:19,439
You made the rehearsal feel...
dangerous.
158
00:12:19,601 --> 00:12:20,940
I want to act.
159
00:12:21,060 --> 00:12:22,260
Yeah, well who doesn't?
160
00:12:22,380 --> 00:12:24,430
I need Michelle's part.
161
00:12:24,550 --> 00:12:26,420
- What?
- She's terrible.
162
00:12:27,721 --> 00:12:29,799
I should play her.
163
00:12:29,961 --> 00:12:31,759
Oh, my dear...
164
00:12:34,361 --> 00:12:37,900
Acting is about truth.
165
00:12:38,020 --> 00:12:41,500
Truth is about beauty.
166
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:44,260
Ugly people lack believability.
167
00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:46,780
Now, how can I put this kindly?
168
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,140
You look like a liar.
169
00:12:51,140 --> 00:12:52,999
I really want that part.
170
00:12:54,761 --> 00:12:56,411
Not on my ship, darling.
171
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,260
In there, mate.
Let's see what we can grab.
172
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:07,060
Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at?
173
00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:08,820
Whoa! Shit!
174
00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:11,014
If Bruce can get laid, anyone can.
175
00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:12,500
What's the plan then, Rambo?
176
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:15,340
It's an ancient dating
strategy for getting laid.
177
00:13:15,460 --> 00:13:18,260
Mark yourself out of ten,
and then aim two points below.
178
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,140
An eight, goes for a six.
179
00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:22,860
That way, guaranteed success.
180
00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:25,900
Look,
181
00:13:26,020 --> 00:13:28,563
a poodle doesn't get nothing
with a labrador,
182
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:31,919
but if he aims for a chihuahua? Woof!
183
00:13:32,081 --> 00:13:34,279
So what number are
you then, hound-dog?
184
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,439
A seven.
185
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,119
A six?
186
00:13:42,281 --> 00:13:44,519
I'm not a five.
187
00:13:44,681 --> 00:13:47,599
Am I a five?
188
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:49,919
Mate. You're a seven.
Course you are.
189
00:13:50,081 --> 00:13:52,580
Yeah, baby! So we need
to find me a five, yeah?
190
00:14:50,161 --> 00:14:52,580
Mate, I've found your five.
Wait here.
191
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:54,260
What? Where?
192
00:14:54,681 --> 00:14:56,460
Hi, hello.
193
00:14:56,580 --> 00:14:57,599
Hi, I, er...
194
00:14:57,761 --> 00:15:02,519
You were the one who
dropped the light, right?
195
00:15:02,681 --> 00:15:04,780
Maxxie. You're a fucking genius.
196
00:15:06,180 --> 00:15:07,540
You're single, right?
197
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:09,540
What?
198
00:15:10,780 --> 00:15:12,359
You got a boyfriend?
199
00:15:12,521 --> 00:15:14,020
A guy?
200
00:15:14,140 --> 00:15:15,980
No. I've got no-one.
201
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,100
I mean, yeah. I'm single.
202
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,500
Cool. So what do you say,
203
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,300
dance with my mate, Anwar?
204
00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:26,020
He's seventh heaven.
205
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:28,980
Anwar?
206
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:31,580
Yeah. Anwar, baby. 007.
207
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,660
And you, my Chanel No 5.
208
00:15:37,900 --> 00:15:40,580
Sorry. I've got to go.
209
00:15:41,780 --> 00:15:43,180
What? Hang on.
210
00:15:50,220 --> 00:15:52,380
You sure I'm a seven?
211
00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:57,620
Let's look for some fours, shall we?
212
00:15:57,740 --> 00:15:59,780
Just in case.
213
00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:32,199
I can't believe after everything
that's happened,
214
00:16:32,361 --> 00:16:34,079
you'd bring her to the party.
215
00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:37,220
She, er, says I'm her boyfriend.
216
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,799
You're not Tony any more, are you?
217
00:16:50,961 --> 00:16:52,159
Yeah, I'm Tony.
218
00:16:52,695 --> 00:16:53,695
OK.
219
00:16:54,540 --> 00:16:57,540
On the day of the accident,
you were on the phone to me.
220
00:16:57,660 --> 00:16:58,839
Tell me what you said.
221
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:05,238
Doctors told me some things
would take a while to come back.
222
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:09,580
OK, then.
223
00:17:12,180 --> 00:17:13,679
Let's bring you back.
224
00:17:26,340 --> 00:17:29,759
Come on, come on.
I want to touch you.
225
00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:34,660
I can't...
226
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:36,439
Course you can.
227
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,980
Oh. You're not...
228
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,980
No. I'm not.
229
00:17:59,020 --> 00:18:00,420
I've got to go.
230
00:18:11,420 --> 00:18:13,380
Not worth it, are they?
231
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:14,639
Who the fuck are you?
232
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:26,660
How come boys could do that to us?
233
00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,199
Make us feel like shit?
234
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:31,580
He didn't...
235
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,319
You don't understand.
236
00:18:36,481 --> 00:18:37,420
OK.
237
00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,719
It's difficult for him now.
238
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:43,820
Us now.
239
00:18:48,380 --> 00:18:51,580
But do you remember what it was like
to kiss him for the first time?
240
00:18:53,780 --> 00:18:57,200
That magic moment when
everything changed?
241
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:09,719
Fancy a beer?
242
00:20:43,441 --> 00:20:44,860
Is that you, Maxxie?
243
00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:53,399
It's the dog, I'm telling you.
244
00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:23,919
Hey, Dad. Night.
245
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,119
Underpants.
246
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,400
To the mirror.
247
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,560
Cupboard.
248
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:45,880
Trousers.
249
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,813
Back to the mirror.
250
00:23:51,961 --> 00:23:53,400
Aftershave.
251
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:58,720
Mirror again.
252
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,800
Lucy? That you, love?
253
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,240
Lucy?
254
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,800
Yes, Mum.
255
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:35,760
I need a hand in here.
256
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:39,800
Jesus, Mum! What happened?
257
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,080
When you weren't back when you said,
I thought you'd gone to bed.
258
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:44,880
But I wanted to check and...
259
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,680
Am I wet?
260
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,560
I'm wet, aren't I?
261
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,720
- Did you spend the night with him?
- Don't.
262
00:25:01,681 --> 00:25:03,120
Let's get these wet clothes off.
263
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,160
No wait.
Better give me a pain pill first.
264
00:25:07,688 --> 00:25:08,880
Better make it two.
265
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,320
No. The doctor said.
266
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:14,280
They're emetics.
I don't want you vomiting.
267
00:25:17,721 --> 00:25:19,519
You're a good girl.
268
00:25:19,681 --> 00:25:22,000
Maxxie's lucky to have you.
269
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,200
Mum?
270
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,519
I've got something to tell you.
271
00:25:33,561 --> 00:25:35,520
It was my fault.
272
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,160
I was stupid.
273
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:42,440
I wanted to be alone so I went and
sat in one of the bedrooms upstairs.
274
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,040
And Bruce...
275
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:47,000
Mr Gelpart, the drama teacher...
276
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,520
He came in and asked
whether I wanted comforting.
277
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,680
And I didn't say no.
278
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,600
It was his party and his house so...
279
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,120
And it was just his hands.
280
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,800
Mr Gelpart's hands.
281
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:06,360
I mean, he... didn't make me touch
him or put his anything near me.
282
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,040
Just kissed me on the cheek...
283
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:10,880
and kept kissing me
284
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,560
and rubbing his hands over me.
285
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,880
And he said I was great...
286
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,640
because I had little tits.
287
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,280
"Almost like a boy," he said.
288
00:26:22,241 --> 00:26:23,999
And that was it.
289
00:26:24,161 --> 00:26:26,080
He didn't even touch
any other part of me.
290
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,800
Just my cheek...
291
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,160
and my tits.
292
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:38,960
Right. Cheek and tits. Right.
293
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,680
Right.
294
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:42,920
Tits.
295
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:45,200
Right.
296
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,200
Oh, dear!
297
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,720
I heard he got his cock out and
there's a tattoo of Harry Potter,
298
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,560
and he started shouting at Sketch
"Kiss Harry to make him magic".
299
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,280
Drama teachers, man.
"Pretend to be a tree".
300
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,280
"But I'm not a tree".
"Well, pretend".
301
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,720
Fucking perverts, the lot of 'em!
302
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,120
Is it true?
303
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,120
Yeah. It's true.
304
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,080
That creep! That fucking animal!
305
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,080
I'm so sorry, Sketch.
306
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,440
I'm the one who should be sorry.
I wasn't going to say anything,
307
00:27:55,560 --> 00:28:00,479
but my mum insisted. Have I
ruined everything? The play and...
308
00:28:00,641 --> 00:28:03,840
Fuck the play! Come and sit with us.
309
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,199
That's grown-up, Tony.
310
00:28:11,361 --> 00:28:13,200
I've finished. That's all.
311
00:28:23,601 --> 00:28:25,200
What you doing, you tramp?
312
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:31,359
In my culture, we share our food.
313
00:28:31,521 --> 00:28:33,319
Michelle's got a new friend then.
314
00:28:33,481 --> 00:28:34,481
Yeah.
315
00:28:35,321 --> 00:28:38,640
It's a Saveloy, man. It draws me in.
It's the devil's plaything.
316
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:40,680
It's an aphrodisiac, too, I've heard.
317
00:28:42,761 --> 00:28:47,320
Come on, Sketch. We can do better
than these two. Let's go.
318
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,400
Sketch?
319
00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:23,440
Sketch?
320
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:25,920
Who is this?
321
00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,800
Who's this? Who are you?
322
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:31,600
We've had enough of you kids
playing. Leave us alone!
323
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,440
What? Look! Do you have
a daughter at the school?
324
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,479
None of your business.
Leave us alone!
325
00:29:37,641 --> 00:29:42,079
I need to know! This is important.
Look, my name's Maxxie.
326
00:29:42,241 --> 00:29:44,159
Your name's Maxxie?
327
00:29:44,321 --> 00:29:45,440
Yeah.
328
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,040
Maxxie in the school play?
329
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,120
Maxxie who's dating my daughter?
330
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:55,240
What?!
331
00:29:55,901 --> 00:29:57,919
What are you doing
answering the door?
332
00:29:58,081 --> 00:29:59,839
- The disgrace!
- Disgrace?
333
00:30:00,001 --> 00:30:02,239
Lies, all lies! A boyfriend?
334
00:30:02,401 --> 00:30:03,799
No, you haven't.
335
00:30:03,961 --> 00:30:07,080
After all I've done for you,
you fucking... You fucking!
336
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,119
Oh my God! The drama teacher?
337
00:30:11,281 --> 00:30:13,400
You lied about him too, haven't you!
338
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:17,040
Well, I'm not gonna
let you ruin a man's life.
339
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:23,359
Ow! No! I didn't
bring you up to be a liar!
340
00:30:23,521 --> 00:30:26,600
You didn't bring me up at all!
You fucking... cripple!
341
00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:35,280
So... what?
342
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:40,440
You going to keep holding me to the
bed all day and all night, are you?
343
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:44,999
Whatever trouble you're in,
I'll support you.
344
00:30:45,161 --> 00:30:46,800
But this is a man's life.
345
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:54,440
It's for your own good.
346
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,960
Crawling out of bed
isn't good for you.
347
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,960
I will not...
let you fuck up my life, Mum.
348
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,080
OK?
349
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:24,000
Lucy?
350
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,160
Lucy!
351
00:31:31,881 --> 00:31:36,080
352
00:31:38,041 --> 00:31:41,680
353
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:45,719
354
00:31:45,881 --> 00:31:49,239
355
00:31:49,401 --> 00:31:51,919
356
00:31:52,081 --> 00:31:54,200
357
00:31:56,281 --> 00:31:58,800
358
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,040
359
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:04,040
360
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,040
361
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:10,440
362
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:12,600
363
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:14,000
364
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,000
365
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,000
366
00:32:27,641 --> 00:32:30,440
Ah, the magic of the stage.
The thrill of anticipation.
367
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,400
I feel like a Roman about to
throw a lion at the Christians.
368
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,040
Chris, it's a school musical.
369
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,719
But who do you think would win
between Maxxie and a lion?
370
00:32:37,881 --> 00:32:41,160
Osama the Musical,
this is your half-hour call.
371
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,920
Do you want to help me get dressed?
372
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,360
You want me to look good,
don't you?
373
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:51,640
You nervous?
374
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:55,040
Oh, God. On a scale of one to...
Oh, fuck scales, I'm shitting it!
375
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:57,320
You're gonna be so good.
376
00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,560
I'm under-rehearsed and shit!
377
00:33:00,289 --> 00:33:02,280
Do you want something
to get you through it?
378
00:33:03,235 --> 00:33:04,519
What have you got?
379
00:33:04,681 --> 00:33:06,560
Pills of my mum's.
380
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,520
You need to take three
to get a decent hit.
381
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,000
Anti-anxieties.
They'll chill you out.
382
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:22,040
Go on, I'd love to help you out.
383
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:25,920
OK, thanks.
384
00:33:45,761 --> 00:33:47,440
My mother was right!
385
00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:51,479
"Do science", she said,
"Do science. Science makes sense."
386
00:33:51,641 --> 00:33:54,680
But the lights drew me...
like a moth to a flame.
387
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,839
Right! Nothing for it.
Cancellation o'clock.
388
00:34:00,001 --> 00:34:01,760
I know the words!
389
00:34:03,279 --> 00:34:04,079
What?!
390
00:34:04,241 --> 00:34:05,680
You do?
391
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:08,519
Oh, my God!
392
00:34:08,681 --> 00:34:11,919
I've been helping her learn them.
I know them all.
393
00:34:12,081 --> 00:34:14,080
I think you just
saved my Welsh rarebit.
394
00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:17,680
Let's get you into costume.
395
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,800
We're over ten minutes late now.
It's time for action.
396
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:36,720
If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then
Mohammed will clap until it does.
397
00:34:41,029 --> 00:34:42,029
Hi, Tony.
398
00:34:42,509 --> 00:34:44,280
That's someone's seat.
399
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:46,840
Yes, honey, it's for your queen bee.
400
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:47,960
Zzzzz!
401
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:55,400
Works every time.
402
00:34:58,240 --> 00:35:03,178
403
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:07,479
404
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:11,160
405
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:14,960
406
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:17,160
407
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,839
408
00:35:22,001 --> 00:35:24,559
409
00:35:24,721 --> 00:35:28,600
410
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,600
411
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:33,720
412
00:35:41,721 --> 00:35:44,359
413
00:35:44,521 --> 00:35:47,039
414
00:35:47,201 --> 00:35:49,399
415
00:35:49,561 --> 00:35:51,839
416
00:35:52,001 --> 00:35:54,359
417
00:35:54,521 --> 00:35:56,439
418
00:35:56,601 --> 00:35:59,119
419
00:35:59,281 --> 00:36:02,040
420
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,080
421
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:06,680
422
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,239
423
00:36:09,401 --> 00:36:11,840
424
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:13,719
425
00:36:13,881 --> 00:36:16,519
426
00:36:16,681 --> 00:36:19,680
427
00:36:23,481 --> 00:36:25,399
What a swell day to live in America!
428
00:36:25,561 --> 00:36:26,960
Gee, it sure is, buddy!
429
00:36:32,041 --> 00:36:33,839
How much do you make today?
430
00:36:34,001 --> 00:36:35,999
One million bucks!
431
00:36:36,161 --> 00:36:38,160
Did you see
the Wall Street Journal?
432
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,600
Stocks are rising!
Have a nice day! Have a nice day!
433
00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:54,080
434
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,000
435
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:02,480
Michelle?
436
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:04,002
I'm in here, Tony.
437
00:37:07,601 --> 00:37:08,880
Don't come in.
438
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:10,640
I've got vomit in my hair.
439
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,040
I just searched
half the school for you.
440
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,760
I don't know why.
441
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,920
Because you care about me.
442
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:33,800
I told you I loved you, didn't I?
The day it happened.
443
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:35,200
The accident.
444
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:41,960
Do you actually remember
or is that a guess?
445
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:45,280
Does it matter?
Doesn't change anything.
446
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:49,160
No.
447
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:54,520
Should I say something else now?
448
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:57,480
No.
449
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:01,240
Let's just say nothing for a bit.
450
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:26,860
Michelle? Is Chelle OK?
451
00:38:26,980 --> 00:38:29,120
I just gave her some mild
stuff to make her vomit.
452
00:38:29,399 --> 00:38:31,799
The look of her waist,
I'm sure she's thrown up worse.
453
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:33,540
Who the fuck are you?
454
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,820
Do you believe in magic, Maxxie?
455
00:38:37,660 --> 00:38:38,700
When we kiss...
456
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:40,060
When we kiss...
457
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,420
I'm gay!
458
00:38:41,540 --> 00:38:43,260
Do you understand that?!
459
00:38:43,380 --> 00:38:46,020
Look at me! I'm as close
to a boy as you can get!
460
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:48,060
You could love me.
461
00:38:49,180 --> 00:38:50,700
We could love each other.
462
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,220
You're fucking crazy!
463
00:38:52,340 --> 00:38:54,260
Excuse me. Excuse me.
464
00:39:00,420 --> 00:39:02,660
Let's get stuffed
465
00:39:02,780 --> 00:39:05,740
Watch him move...
466
00:39:05,860 --> 00:39:08,380
You see? Just like a boy.
467
00:39:09,460 --> 00:39:12,879
Can you feel how hard
my heart is beating?
468
00:39:13,041 --> 00:39:15,700
That's because by the end
of this play, you'll have kissed me.
469
00:39:15,820 --> 00:39:20,340
And when you kiss me, everything
will change. Maxxie, I love you.
470
00:39:40,500 --> 00:39:42,700
That's our cue.
471
00:39:51,039 --> 00:39:55,051
472
00:39:56,140 --> 00:40:00,940
were margins and accounts
473
00:40:02,740 --> 00:40:04,300
474
00:40:04,420 --> 00:40:08,700
475
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:13,060
476
00:40:15,883 --> 00:40:20,387
on the phone each morning
477
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:25,460
478
00:40:27,540 --> 00:40:29,220
479
00:40:29,340 --> 00:40:32,380
480
00:40:33,460 --> 00:40:37,380
far too busy all the while
481
00:40:39,940 --> 00:40:44,780
Osama blew us away
482
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:48,500
483
00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:53,620
484
00:40:55,740 --> 00:40:58,340
Osama blew us away
485
00:40:59,940 --> 00:41:01,420
486
00:41:04,260 --> 00:41:07,260
Osama blew us away
487
00:41:09,420 --> 00:41:11,380
488
00:41:13,441 --> 00:41:18,220
Osama blew us away
489
00:41:19,420 --> 00:41:21,420
Nothing.
490
00:41:22,620 --> 00:41:25,100
I felt... nothing.
491
00:41:26,220 --> 00:41:27,820
You disgust me.
492
00:41:32,220 --> 00:41:33,220
No!
493
00:41:33,340 --> 00:41:36,540
That's not how it goes!
It's not! It's not!
494
00:41:36,660 --> 00:41:39,620
You think you can fuck my life
up and I'll start fancying you?
495
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:42,100
Look at yourself.
496
00:41:42,220 --> 00:41:43,740
Stay out of my life.
497
00:42:21,140 --> 00:42:22,690
Now that's an ending!
498
00:43:30,540 --> 00:43:32,300
You look beautiful.
499
00:43:38,460 --> 00:43:41,100
You always look beautiful to me.
500
00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:59,340
Argh! Fuck!
501
00:44:01,260 --> 00:44:02,700
Oh. Hi.
502
00:44:05,820 --> 00:44:06,780
Hi.
503
00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:10,900
Hi.
504
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:12,300
Can I come in?
505
00:44:14,100 --> 00:44:15,660
Well, um...
506
00:44:16,700 --> 00:44:18,820
Maxxie says you're a psycho.
507
00:44:19,860 --> 00:44:21,500
He thinks I fancy him.
508
00:44:21,620 --> 00:44:24,460
I don't. I fancy you.
509
00:44:25,500 --> 00:44:27,180
I wanna have sex with you.
510
00:44:27,480 --> 00:44:29,820
But I can't do it
from out here, can I?
511
00:44:29,940 --> 00:44:32,780
Shit, man.
Biology revision here I come!
512
00:44:40,620 --> 00:44:41,780
I'm a virgin.
513
00:44:41,900 --> 00:44:43,860
Oh. Congratulations.
514
00:44:48,020 --> 00:44:51,620
You mind if I list the complete
filmography of Hugh Grant since'92?
515
00:44:53,820 --> 00:44:55,260
Slow things down.
516
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:01,520
Bitter Moon.
517
00:45:03,020 --> 00:45:04,980
Remains of the Day.
518
00:45:05,100 --> 00:45:07,860
Sirens. Four Weddings.
519
00:45:07,980 --> 00:45:11,180
An Awfully Big Adventure -
that one was rubbish.
520
00:45:12,340 --> 00:45:13,980
The Englishman Who Came...
521
00:45:14,100 --> 00:45:16,100
Came Up A Hill...
522
00:45:16,220 --> 00:45:18,580
And Went Down A Mountain.
523
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:20,940
Nine Months. Sense...
524
00:45:21,060 --> 00:45:22,980
And Sensibil...
525
00:45:25,300 --> 00:45:28,220
Restoration.
Extreme Measures.
526
00:45:28,340 --> 00:45:32,100
Ah... Notting Hill.
Mickey Blue Eyes.
527
00:45:32,220 --> 00:45:34,180
Small Time Crooks.
528
00:45:34,300 --> 00:45:36,220
Bridget Jones! Ah!
529
00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:39,580
Bridget... Jones!
530
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:40,920
Ah!
531
00:45:47,380 --> 00:45:49,020
I never get as far as About A Boy.
532
00:45:50,367 --> 00:45:53,332
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
transcript.subtitle.me.uk
533
00:45:53,452 --> 00:45:55,558
Resync: Nathbot
534
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:06,319
Just thought I'd pop round,
wonder if you're busy?
535
00:46:06,481 --> 00:46:09,139
My mum's coming so she can pretend
to be married to my dad
536
00:46:09,259 --> 00:46:10,600
when my grandad arrives.
537
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:15,380
But you will hurry. Tonight
we will have much more great sex, ya?
538
00:46:18,240 --> 00:46:19,740
What time's your dad arriving?
539
00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:21,080
12.
540
00:46:21,340 --> 00:46:23,559
We can do it if we concentrate.
541
00:46:24,336 --> 00:46:25,500
Lisa!
542
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,700
I want you to do this.
543
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:28,900
No!
544
00:46:30,020 --> 00:46:31,620
I don't trust you.